For immediate release
April 1, 2018
Bees plan protest on Parliament Hill. Sierra Club says they are overworked and undervalued by the protesters.
Ottawa - In an unprecedented move, Canada’s endangered and threatened bee colonies have decided to go political, with a planned demonstration on Parliament Hill tomorrow afternoon and a press conference scheduled in advance to list their demands and provide time for Q&A.
“That’s right – we’re organizing,” says Stella Yellowbum, spokeswoman for the groups. “All we do is keep the planet thriving, and yet we continue to be treated like we don’t matter. We are, in fact, irreplaceable!” The agitated Yellowbum continued, “We grow your food, and yet you throw poison on us. Like, I can’t even.”
Unfortunately, tensions have mounted between the bees and the charitable group who has stepped forward to offer assistance to the protesters, in addition to their high-level work to protect bees and all pollinators from the harmful effects of pesticides.
“We reached out to help immediately, but it quickly became apparent that the bees really hadn’t thought this through," says Melissa Munro, Director of Development and Communications for Sierra Club Canada Foundation. “All protests require signs and placards of some sort. While they do have knees, without actual fingers and thumbs, the bees were simply at a loss - so we stepped in. But when we undertook the colossal challenge, the bee organizers were buzzing around right on top of us, nagging us and demanding we work faster. Nothing we did seemed good enough.”
The bee organizers promise to ease anxiety for their especially sensitive kinfolk. “Before the demo, we are going to centre ourselves with a mass yoga session on The Hill. So for goodness sake, please, nobody walk on the lawn!” There are also promises of free on-site massages for weary or flustered protestors. However, as of press time, no sponsor had stepped forward with the as-yet-to-be donated service.
Word of the march quickly spread throughout Canadian hives and seemingly overnight there were thousands making their way toward the Capital. Officials say that police had to be called in to provide traffic direction and assist with luggage at both the Via Rail station and Ottawa International Airport. Speaking under condition of anonymity, one Officer noted, “I’ve never seen so many tiny bags.”
As for Yellowbum’s demanding work style, Sierra Club is feeling taken advantage of. “I mean really, who does she think she is - The Queen Bee?” questioned Munro. “Last night we cut out 45,000 placards the size of thimbles, and then glued them to toothpicks!”
“It’s not that we don’t want to help them – we do – we can’t live without them,” said Munro. “We just want a little appreciation for our work.”
When reached for a response, Yellowbum was quick to reply, “So do we.”
Sources from inside the “War Room” confided that testing of the first placard prototypes became a bit of a gruesome scene, with bees falling over left and right. The bees’ lack of shoulders was largely to blame, and only minor first aid had to be administered to the few in need.
Note from the organizers: Weather conditions for the demonstration may be chillier than anticipated. If anyone is interested in offering assistance, donations of teeny-tiny yellow jackets would be gratefully accepted.
Media Contacts - give a buzz to:
Government and Media Relations Specialist
Bees For Life
Director of Development and Communications
Sierra Club Canada Foundation